* the dispatching of the 5,000

Alex Blaney gently gently pokes fun @ vegans/general ignorance/misconceptions about veganism

When all 53 attendees at London’s recent International Vegan Convention, LettuceJamboree 2018, simultaneously fell inert around the grounds of Buckingham Palace, the same anguished question played across lips and minds all over the globe: ‘Why?’


Today, after 3 weeks of deafening silence, the CEO of the event’s catering company finally broke down in court, admitting both his, and his business’ culpability for the demise of ‘countless exemplary citizens’ – to quote Judge Valerie Gourd, who is presiding over the case. Geoffrey Carnevale, owner and manager of 4 businesses in addition to Sweet Victuals, confessed that it was the ‘tragic misinterpretation’ of one of his ‘off-hand, and thoughtless remarks’ which has now left, in the words of one particularly distraught widow, ‘53 more angels in heaven… [53] more stars in the sky’.


The remark in question? When asked by employees, unfamiliar with the vegan food market, what the ‘plan’ was regarding the canapés at the event’s opening reception, Carnevale fatally responded: ‘How on earth would I know? Bunch of bloody rabbits!’ While Carnevale’s comment initially provoked some confusion among staff members – many of whom openly expressed their concerns, allegedly declaring that they had ‘never seen rabbit in the fruit and veg aisle before’ – the jury were today informed that an order for ‘300 Rabbit Roulades’ was, nonetheless, placed.


‘I know it all seems so wrong in retrospect, but we were just following orders’, one sheepish caterer told me outside Blackfriars Crown Court. ‘I remember one of my colleagues justified everything by saying, “Well, rabbits eat their greens, and as the saying goes – “you are what you eat””. It sounded so convincing at the time… and anyway, in this business, you don’t have time to be getting bogged down in the detail’.


Unfortunately, this oversight on the part of Sweet Victuals was to have devastating consequences.


‘Everything was going so well at the Palace’, recounted one of the waiters serving at the Convention. ‘Soy-based drinks were flowing, ethical recipes were being exchanged, hymns… sung’. That is, until the arrival of the canapés. ‘Even before those blasted things were brought out, the guests seemed to sense that something was wrong... an ill wind was blowing.’ Then the fateful cry went up – ‘Dear God – they’ve laced our amuse-bouche with… with… with bunny!’


A coroner has since determined that the cause of all 53 deaths was not, as previously suspected, the actual ‘ingestion of rabbit (Oryctolagus cuniculus) meat’ – ‘not a morsel appears to have grazed the victims’ lips’. Rather, ‘utter mortification’ seems to have caused their ‘hearts to altogether explode’.


When pressed for comment, one eminent vegan commentator delivered the following impassioned statement: ‘In this age of ours, is nothing held sacred? Sweet Victuals, you have blood on your hands. With your nefarious nibbles, your hateful hors d'oeuvres, your poisoned platters, you have callously snuffed out the lives of 53 of our best and brightest. At least these martyrs died as they entered the world – chaste, spotless, undefiled’. The case continues.

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